Isolation

​At this exact moment, I am sitting around a beautiful fire, at a gorgeous campground on the river and surrounded by truly phenomenal people, yet I feel absolutely, utterly alone. How can that even be possible? As I run through what I want to write down in my head, I hear echoes of the conversations around me, passionate and meaningful conversations, many that I would benefit greatly from, yet they feel as if they are hundreds of miles away. Every second I debate putting down my notebook and joining in. Yet the only motion I can make is the sweeping motion of the pen across the page as these words flow out of me like a dam bursting due to too much pressure. The strongest concept of addiction that I have come to understand, is how we understand how irrational and how strange our thoughts and actions are, yet we cannot change them. The demon within is in the driver’s seat and we need to change our thought process. Now that I have been through outpatient programs, anonymous programs, and individual therapy, I have really had the opportunity to realize this is something that I have struggled with this disease far longer than I had realized. This is an exert from a poem I wrote on February 10th, 2013, my senior year:
“When asked what my biggest fear is, I respond as follows,
It is not death nor drowning, it is who will not be there tomorrow,
As I write in my lonesome people ask if I’m ok,
But will they ask me that in six months when I’m six hours away?
Or will I just be fading clips of memories in their head?
These are the fears that keep me up at night thinking in my bed,
And as I sit here and write this on my phone,
I can’t help to wonder, who else feels alone?”
​This is one of my favorite pieces I have ever written because I wrote it for me, and it was real and it was raw. I feel isolation is one of the most common tells of depression or addiction, something that all sufferers struggle with. It is a horrible feeling to feel absolutely alone in a room full of people. I do not understand why it happens, and in time it has gotten better, and I fully believe it will only continue to improve; it just is horrible to experience in the moment. The most important skill to have is to be self-aware and able to recognize when you are experiencing these feelings. When you are, call a friend that you have not talked to in a while, your grandma, your grandpa, mother, father, somebody to just have a conversation with. Nothing good comes from isolating and dwelling on your thoughts alone; and you are not alone. -Thoughts of Many; Voice of One

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