My Battle

Some details are left out for the sake of keeping certain people anonymous.
I’ve always suffered from anxiety ever since I was a little kid. That’s mostly because my father was always angry and yelling at me and my siblings. Mainly for school reasons, but other reasons were over petty things that he felt justified to explode over. It wasn’t until high school that my anxiety took a turn for the worse and my depression began to surface. I was in a very toxic on and off relationship. It was abusive. It started out as verbally abusive, then it escalated to both mentally and physically abusive. He would hit me…it was enough for me to start fearing him. He would put me through constant guilt trips,…cut himself in front of me, …even screamed at me. I attempted suicide twice because I felt worthless.
Years later, I found myself in another toxic relationship. I felt horribly neglected and mentally tortured. He had a history of cheating so I was always anxious and paranoid…I started cutting myself…I lost 21 pounds because my anxiety was always there. Often times I would have to find a secluded area while walking and just break down crying. He didn’t care and ended up cheating and everything ended between us. I really wanted to die at this point. Not because he dumped me, but because I was hurting so bad and I was so convinced that maybe I really am a worthless human being and shouldn’t be living anymore. Maybe people would be better off. Maybe people would be relieved if I just died…
I know you’re probably wondering why I didn’t go to seek help. It’s because I never told my parents about my suffering. It was all kept to myself. They don’t know of my attempts and the abuse I was put through. Why? Because I tried going to a “friend” for help and they didn’t believe me or understand. I never went to anyone for help again. I was easily convinced that everyone would call me a liar. Why would I or anyone else for that matter lie about this kind of suffering? It’s not fun. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy because mental illness is a day-to-day torture and it makes me fearful if I’m going to live to see another day. Depression convinces you to see nothing good about yourself. Any positive thing you try to say about yourself is immediately contradicted by the thoughts in your head. You’re left lying in bed crying your eyes out because the pain is so excruciating. After…the pain goes away and numbness replaces it. You are left having not a care in the world. You’re like an emotionless robot and that’s the scary part because that’s when suicide becomes the most welcoming suggestion in your mind. Why would anyone romanticize this?! Depression IS NOT something to take lightly.
About a month later after the break up I began talking to a guy and began meeting up for our sexual needs. If there was any way for me to feel some form of affection, why not get it from sex from a stranger? So we arranged to go to a hotel. This is where my life begins to take a turn for the better if you can believe it. The guy I met up with turned out to be the most considerate, most warm, and most affectionate person I’ve come to meet. He was so sweet to me and even took me out to dinner and asked about my interests, my plans for the future, just about anything I thought people could care less about me. He knew of my mental condition beforehand, but he accepted it and wasn’t bothered by it at all. A few weeks later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He’s been my rock, my best friend, and my own personal pill of happiness. He’s helped me come out to my parents about my anxiety and depression and I finally got help. I’m seeing a counselor now and on medication for my depression and anxiety and it has been doing wonders for me. I’m beginning to love myself again and I’m beginning to try to reconnect with people I know. It still makes me anxious because I’m still afraid that some people may not like me, but I’m trying to be confident.
I encourage you to reach out and get help. No one should have to suffer alone through their dark times. You’re loved. You’re important. Please don’t be afraid to reach out.

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